HEAVY METAL

WE do make life hard for ourselves don’t we?
I was born a blue, and thank God I was, but you’d be mental to actually choose the Toffee persuasion.
It was gut-wrenchingly, hair-tearingly, hard work last night.

I know surprise package Metalist were a very good side who were unlucky not to go through in the end.
And I know coming into the game the Blues might have been haunted by the spectre of Bucharest. But really there are no acceptable excuses for that first half.
With the hugely notable exception of the immense Lescott (our best defender, attacker...player), we were terrible. Beyond bad.
Kharkiv battered us, coming through our flimsy midfield at will and exposing the stinking performance of Yobo and a worryingly off-colour Stubbs.
Their first goal was deserved, and it was only Howard’s heroics that prevented a decisive second.
The necessary changes seemed obvious. A midfield with Osman and Pienaar is too lightweight - more so when the supposed defensive element of the pack was having a game as bad as Jagielka.
It seemed that Carsley’s introduction to tighten things up and pass better than Jagielka was essential. Moyes thought not. Why Davie opted for Jagielka ahead of the European experience and greater finesse (Ok maybe not finesse) of Carsley left me stumped.
Elsewhere, Arteta briefly sparkled and then went missing and Yakubu inspired me to new heights of swearing. I surprised myself.
I think I'll have to blog separately on Yakubu because his performance last night was so insipid to defy belief.
He is actually fat. The man has a double chin. How? Why??? He’s a professional footballer!
Generally the first was one of the most unpleasant halves of football I’ve had to ensure in a long time, probably due to a combination of just what was at stake and how terrible we were.
It was truly sick in the pit of your stomach stuff.
Thankfully the second half saw McFadden, Anichebe and Lescott step up and get it together.
McFadden proved again why he is now the automatic choice for the first striker’s place. After years of flattering to deceive it looks like his is finally maturing and finding consistency.
I’ve never forgotten watching him tear Leeds apart on his Premiership debut (I think Roque Junior actually cried) and thinking he was a class act.
Now he’s actually playing like one regularly.
Anichebe too, has had the jury out on occasion but he is burying my smug ‘Championship centre-half’ predictions after last season.
His touch has improved vastly since last term and his effort, directness and now finishing are coming on nicely.
I recall him talking in an interview once about watching videos of Drogba to guide his game. Well they’ve clearly helped because his spirited solo goal which sent us all into raptures - and the group stages - had hall-marks of Chelsea’s top hitman.
Back to the overall performance and there are still question marks.
Moyes’s formations for both legs have been flawed and too many players did not turn up.
But now we’ve got into the group stages the overwhelming feeling is positivity.
It makes it worth while. Our league efforts won’t feel pointless and we’ll have the mystery and mayhem of away days and nights across the continent to look forward to.
I’m grateful for that and maybe, just maybe, this chaotic, molotov cocktail of a qualifier could propel us beyond the group stages and into somewhere very special.

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